But the truth is - you can rebuild trust after cheating in a relationship. While not easy to do, regaining trust after infidelity is possible; it will require serious effort from both partners and a dedicated effort from the cheater to seek to fix things, but it isn't impossible.
Healing after the betrayal of cheating can be so difficult but is definitely possible. Try to lean into the good parts of your partner and encourage yourself that trust is possible again.” - Ryan Smith, LPC, NCC
Honesty, once lost, can spell doom for even the most stable relationship; that's why it is vital to strengthen communication when possible and learn to rebuild it following a break in trust.
The popular notion portrayed in media is that cheating will collapse every relationship, and any attempt to fix what was broken is futile and naive. But the truth is - you can rebuild trust after cheating in a relationship. While not easy to do, regaining trust after infidelity is possible; it will require serious effort from both partners and a dedicated effort from the cheater to seek to fix things, but it isn't impossible. In fact, many couples have rebounded from cheating and have come back stronger and healthier with the help of in-person or online therapy.
What Is Cheating?
Rebuilding A Relationship Can Be Difficult We're Here To Help - Speak With A Licensed Relationship Counselor Online Today..
While you may find this question silly or unnecessary at first, it is a question not many individuals have investigated and defined for themselves and their relationships. For each person, infidelity might mean something slightly different - for some, porn might be crossing the line, while for others, anything short of sex is okay. The vital thing to consider here is that each person has different boundaries, and it is essential to discuss what you are comfortable with together before something happens. Communication between partners is required in order to build trust in the first place. A healthy relationship requires mutual respect of each other’s boundaries so it’s important to talk and decide what betrayal would look like to you.
However, if cheating has already occurred, and you are now just trying to figure out how to move forward and fix things, including a discussion on personal boundaries and definitions for cheating may be the best way to clear up miscommunication. This is not an excuse to chalk up infidelity to miscommunication because the burden falls on cheaters to determine if their potential action is crossing the line or not.
So, while it is helpful to decide on what you both agree on as definitively cheating and the feelings surrounding different actions leading up to infidelity, an argument from ignorance of the boundaries is not a good enough excuse. Unless you or your partner has an extreme notion of what cheating is (such as having a friend of the opposite sex).
So, it is healthy to discuss your feelings about infidelity early in the relationship to make sure no miscommunication occurs. But if infidelity has already happened, and it is commonly agreed on as cheating, then a lack of communication cannot be an excuse.
Understanding What You Value
Before you can continue to seek a solution to the rift opened in your relationship, you need first to know what you value in your relationship. Understanding yourself is no easy task and answering questions such as this is an easy thing to do. By reading this article, it is safe to assume you want to regain the lost trust and rebuild your relationship, even after cheating.
Regardless if you are the cheater or the cheatee, you both need to understand what you want out of a relationship and use that lens to analyze your current relationship. The truth of the matter is that, most likely, something had to be lacking in the relationship for the cheater to do what they did, this is by no means victimizing the cheater, as there is little excuse for those kinds of actions, but it is acknowledging that there are things that they too needed to be fulfilled.
How did you feel before you cheated? What emotions did the cheating bring up for both parties? If you were the one who committed the betrayal, maybe you felt distance, a lack of communication, or hurt that your partner didn’t give you as much quality time as you desired. If your partner cheated, you might feel blindsided, hurt, and betrayed. It might be harder to trust your partner now.
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So, by understanding what you want out of a partner and a relationship, you can see what was lacking within your relationship and better understand where to go from there. For some people, a break in trust, such as cheating, will signify that they need to go their separate ways.
For others, they will see that their relationship, and connection with their partner, are important enough to them that they will try to put back the pieces and try to make things work. Rebuilding trust after a partner cheated is possible, but it may take a lot of time and effort. You will need to process the pain and decide if you can trust your partner once again. Is it worth it? The only way to know for yourself is to reflect and think about what matters to you in your relationship and then apply that to your current situation. Hopefully, that will provide some clarity. This can also help restore trust.
Putting It All Out In The Open
Once you have determined your feelings and the best course of action, it is time to put everything out in the open. If you plan on rebuilding trust in your relationship, it is vital that you and your partner put all the cards on the table and leave no stone unturned. If you find yourself doubting your partner's honesty or find yourself withholding things, it's a sign you (or your partner) may not be ready to trust again. When posed with this issue, little short of an ultimatum or complete honesty can move things forward. If, however, you find that you are both being completely open and honest with your thoughts, feelings, intentions, and reasons for your actions, then you have just set the foundation of truth. From here, the rest of your progress in rebuilding trust can grow.
Extreme Ownership
If you cheated, you need to make sure you take extreme ownership of your actions and be sincere in acknowledging the mistake. Your partner needs to know that you know what you did was wrong, and you regret it. If you feel like you have to lie or skirt the truth in your admittance of guilt, that may be a sign you don't entirely regret your actions, and you need to reevaluate some things. But for most, an honest expression of guilt and shame over one's cheating should come quickly.
Your partner needs to know that you regret your actions and see the sincerity in your words. If they don't believe you, you cannot move forward together and build upon a foundation of trust and truth. This is why it is vital to show extreme ownership of your actions, even if you think your partner did something wrong to drive you away. You need to show them that you accept that what you did was wrong, and it was your decision alone to have made.
Fix The Cause Of The Lack Of Trust, Not The Symptom
It's all well and good to talk about our feelings and get things out in the open, but if we don't change the things which lead to infidelity, then the problem won't be resolved. Many different possible factors lead to cheating and the break-in trust; these habits and everyday decisions need to be identified and changed; otherwise, you risk the problem just repeating itself.
Putting the relationship back together after infidelity but not fixing the underlying issues that lead to cheating is not a long-term solution to the problem. It is highly recommended that couples work through the complications of cheating sooner rather than later.
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Additionally, looking over your partner's shoulder all the time and not trusting them is not a solution. You are then just putting a Band-Aid and not even an effective Band-Aid on the issue.
Look at what leads to the rift in your relationship. Consider the factors that lead to the infidelity; by tracing back and looking at what leads to the collapse in trust, you can hopefully fix the underlying issues rather than temporarily stop the symptoms.
Counseling For Cheating
Often, it may be too difficult to try to deal with these kinds of difficulties on your own, such as reading some articles or being with a cheater quotes, because this can sometimes cloud your mind. Reading books and infidelity quotes alone won't help you fully forgive and move on. That's where we come in. If don’t know how to regain trust after cheating, reach out for support. Dealing with a break in trust in your relationship to this extent can be difficult to manage, getting the help of a professional to set you, and your partner, up for success.
You have the options to choose either solo or couples counseling, all from the comfort and ease of your own home. It is not a sign of weakness to reach out for professional help. In fact, it is a sign of maturity and, more importantly, a sign that you are valuing what truly matters - your relationship's future.
Live In The Here And The Now
After something as earth-shattering as finding that your partner had an affair on you or realizing that you made the mistake of cheating on them can make letting go of the past extremely difficult. It can be tempting not to want to let go of what you did, or your partner did to you and lived in the guilt or the anger and sadness of the past.
But if you have taken steps to move forward, and you have had enough time to rebuild what was broken and learn to trust again, it may be time to let go of the burden of your emotions from the past.
Living in the mistakes of the past will do nothing for your relationship but sabotage it. So, if you are dedicated to fixing the wrongs of the past and rebuilding the trust you once had, you will have to learn to let go so that you can move forward.
Conclusion
Rebuilding A Relationship Can Be Difficult We're Here To Help - Speak With A Licensed Relationship Counselor Online Today..
As stressful and awful as dealing with the aftermath of cheating is, know that it is possible to rebuild the lost trust and move forward together in a positive direction. While not simple and certainly not easy, it is possible.
Wager Mage
Photo: Olena Bohovyk
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