How do I know if I am a difficult person?

If they lean towards negativity, mistrust or items of gossip, then this is a surefire way to know that you are a difficult person. Work on catching yourself before you say it and change what you think about. Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to speak something negative. You are easily angered.

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Let’s face it, we are all difficult people at one point or another in our lives. Hopefully these incidences are few and far between. From my experience, people who are chronically difficult don’t realize how they are perceived by others and have convinced themselves that other people are the problem – not them. They seem to have their own reasoning for why they act or say the things they do and generally that reason is attached to someone else’s bad behavior. We have all stopped in the midst of a conflict or crisis and asked, “Did I do something to cause this?” Those of us with a higher level of self-awareness take time to explore our role in situations and try to make personal adjustments in the future. Difficult people, however rarely stop to explore their role and assess how their behavior impacts those around them thus continuing their patterns and fracturing relationships around them. So, how do you know if it is you who is the difficult person or if the difficult person is someone else? Below are 7 key signs to help you determine if you are viewed as the difficult person: You have made few connections at work. If you find that people do not engage with you outside of work related items this may be a sign that you are a difficult person. Generally people have a few friends at work that they go to lunch with, chat with in the halls or email personal items during the course of the work day. If you find that you don’t have that or you have on again off again relationships with coworkers you may be considered a difficult person.What to do: Ask for feedback from either a Supervisor or a friend. It actually may not bother you that you only have a few close connections and that is fine. However if you find yourself feeling like an outsider or thinking your coworkers are difficult to connect with, it may be worth exploring. Once you get the feedback try to incorporate some simple changes. Another great tool is to ask for immediate feedback when you say or do something that others perceive as difficult. Your self-worth at work is low. If you find that your feelings of self-worth are low at work (or in general) or you feel disrespected this should be a warning sign. As adults we work very hard to build a positive life both in and out of work. When that doesn’t seem to pan out the way we like, it can take a toll on our self-esteem. Those with deeply rooted self-esteem issues experience this more commonly but even those with a more solid self-image can experience decreasing self-worth at work. Oftentimes this causes us to become defensive or withdrawn, creating the perception that we are difficult people.What to do: Find things that you are good at and contribute as much as you can. Look for ways to overcome areas that you may not be as proficient in. Partner with your supervisor or someone at work who can help expose you to opportunities to let your light shine. Positive activities shift our focus and puts us in a more empowering frame of mind. This can alleviate our need to be combative or defensive. You feel left out. If it seems like people aren’t including you in information or involving you in work activities, this may signal that you are a difficult person. You may be the last to know about information, feel a bit out of the loop or be someone who is always the “odd man out”. Some people will be honest with you but the majority will simply avoid you providing no feedback. People avoid difficult co-workers and don’t provide feedback because they are fearful of the person’s reaction. Difficult personalities are often reactive and explosive – both traits that people avoid. What to do: If you have received unsolicited feedback from someone, take the time to seriously consider it. If you haven’t received feedback, seek it out. This type of feedback can be hard to hear but if you are truly interested in making a change, it is essential that you understand what the problem is. It is also important to let your supervisor know if you feel left out of communication that is important to the organization or your position. You feel like you complain a lot. We all get upset at some time or another. We all have good days and bad days. However, if you find that your bad days are far outweighing the good or that you find little reason to trust the company and your colleagues, something more serious is at play here. People may listen to complaining for a short period of time but after a while they will either turn a deaf ear or avoid you altogether. People like to be around other positive people. We can all find reasons to be miserable just fine on our own which is why most people seek out those who make them feel happier or more positive about their experiences.What to do: Pay attention to the thoughts that go through your mind and the words that come out of your mouth. If they lean towards negativity, mistrust or items of gossip, then this is a surefire way to know that you are a difficult person. Work on catching yourself before you say it and change what you think about. Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to speak something negative. You are easily angered. Everyone gets upset at work. In many cases we are all passionately attached to what we do and when something rubs up against that, we have a reaction to it. This becomes a problem when you find yourself angered frequently with many situations and many people. If you are at odds with several different coworkers and feel like you are in a constant battle. Difficult people can hold onto anger for days and may even explode at times with bottled up frustration. There is a distinct difference between healthy and unhealthy anger. What to do. Check your emotions. If you find that you are easily angered over many things and it is hard to let go of that anger, you need to find the source of your issues. Being easily angered over many things will quickly get you labeled as a difficult person. Find a way to keep that in check – take a deep breath, count to ten in your mind, find a statement that you can say to yourself that interrupts your thoughts. I always like the 24 hour rule. If you find yourself angered by someone/thing than wait 24 hours before you respond. This gives you time to cool off and be more objective. You are paranoid that everyone is out to get you. When you feel like everyone is against you and everything is a conspiracy you have moved into an unhealthy paranoia. We all experience paranoia situationally but if you feel paranoid about many people or situations in your life than you are going to be difficult to work with. When we react to paranoia by building walls or distancing yourself from others you create situations where people will react negatively to you. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.What to do: Find someone you trust to use as a sounding board. Not everyone is trustworthy and sometimes people are out to get you. Using someone to run your thoughts/feelings by will help you determine if your concerns are real or imagined. It shows up on your performance review. Bosses may tell you in person if you have meetings but if not, this information may be folded into your annual performance review. It could be spelled out clearly or disguised under something such as teamwork. Depending on how direct your boss is will determine how much time or information they may provide you. What to do: Even if this shows up in the slightest way, don’t let it pass you by. This is your opportunity to get some valuable information that can help you. Ask for specific instances if they are not cited in your review. If you are truly clueless about how your behavior is being perceived by others you could even ask your boss for suggestions or coaching on how to handle certain situations.

For more information on professional development visit www.inspiredsuccesscoaching.com or email Susan@inspiredsucesscoaching.com

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