Wager Mage
Photo: Antoni Shkraba
The exact definition of “slab” has been debated since the cars first rolled through the mean streets of Houston. Some said that slab stood for “Slow, Loud, and Bangin'.” The origin of the name, however, is simpler than that: A slab is a custom car that you put out on the concrete slab of a Houston freeway.
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Read More »Editor’s note: When this was published in last month’s issue of Hagerty Drivers Club magazine, we received quite a few letters from people who felt that we were pushing a particular agenda. As the author of this piece, let me assure you that we have no such intentions. Our goal is to show our readers another kind of automotive enthusiasm. Yes, it’s controversial, and yes, it often falls afoul of the law—but haven’t we all looked back at the “outlaw” days of hot rodding and street racing with approval and even pleasure? I’d ask you to give these fellow enthusiasts a fair hearing. And as always, thank you for reading this site and for sharing our love of cars. — Jack Baruth They call him “D-one Tha Chosen,” and today, his music is the soundtrack for countless different street scenes in Houston and elsewhere. In 1996, however, he was just a 10-year-old boy sitting in a candy-apple-red 1986 Lincoln Town Car, watching the plate-glass window of a fried-chicken restaurant shatter into a thousand pieces under the coordinated sonic assault of four high-powered, 18-inch subwoofers. “Pat Lemon owned that car first,” recalls D-one, all these years later. “The man who was like a father to me, Darryl Williams—he had just gotten out of jail. So I was riding with him and Pat Lemon. We got to Frenchy’s in the Third Ward. Pat popped the trunk … if I’m lying, I’m flying, alright?” D-one says with a smile. He is tall, lean, charismatic. Attired in flawless street style, relaxed in the mid-rise office in southwest Houston where he signs artists and sells records. “When he popped that trunk and those 18s hit … he took down the whole front window of Frenchy’s.” The Town Car was painted red for a most unusual reason: Its owner was affiliated with the infamous Crips gang. “Unusual,” because in Los Angeles and other locales, the Crips traditionally wear blue; in Houston, paradoxically, the Crips “rode red.” Their control of the streets was far from absolute, however. To have a red car on “swanger” wire wheels was a double provocation. You could be killed for your gang affiliation, another dropped body in the slow burn of crack-fueled gang violence. Or you might get carjacked out of nowhere by someone who would throw your lifeless body to the curb, pull the swangers off your car and sell them, after having burned the rest. Not the best place to be, especially if you were 10 years old and subject to being caught in the crossfire. But it was also where the action was, the gravitational pull of which, to a young boy, is both stronger than any mother’s caution and older than epic poems of yore. “We rode in that car all day … and that was really the day that I fell in love with all of it,” D-one says. “The cars, the music—it started with that 1986 Town Car. It was one of the first slabs.” The exact definition of “slab” has been debated since the cars first rolled through the mean streets of Houston. Some said that slab stood for “Slow, Loud, and Bangin’.” The origin of the name, however, is simpler than that: A slab is a custom car that you put out on the concrete slab of a Houston freeway. Not a lowrider, and not a pimpmobile, though there are common threads of style and sourcing that run through all three of these genres. A slab is a vehicle in which you are seen—and heard. It has a unique look. Not only can it shake the windows; it can shatter them. No two slabs are alike. And you always know who is behind the wheel. It’s a modern coat of arms, the livery of a street nobility, and honi soit qui mal y pense, as King Arthur and his knights were wont to say. D-one made it home safely that night in 1996, and every night thereafter. He was, unfortunately, the only passenger in that slab on that day who would survive to the present. Pat Lemon, the car’s owner, was killed on the street shortly after that seminal afternoon with D-one. From Lemon, the Lincoln passed into the hands of Houston rapper Fat Pat. It’s featured in his music video for “Tops Drop;” a long, lean, vinyl-roofed presence among Eldorados and Broughams and aero- headlamp Buick Regals. Almost everyone is on the swanger wheels, the chrome spokes extending past the wheel wells and out into your space. Elbows out. Staking a claim on the street. In February 1998, Fat Pat was shot and killed at age 27 by an unknown gunman. The next owner of the car was reportedly another local rapper, also shot and killed. “After that,” D-one relates, “it was sitting on Wyoming and South Park for a minute. But … they burned it. You know, it was like a death car. Everybody who owned that car got shot.” That was the end of the road for what was arguably the most famous of the early slabs. But the slab scene? It was just getting started.
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Read More »Houston was no exception. Here, the heady aphrodisiac of seemingly limitless oil money had ensured a steady flow of loaded Cadillacs from showroom to mansion to suburb to street. Many dealers reworked the cars in full neoclassic fashion, with Rolls-Royce-style aftermarket grilles (a popular version had a superimposed pair of capital-C letters echoing the double-R, with “CLASSIC – CADILLAC” in place of the Crewe original text) and nonfunctional Continental kits featuring fiberglass faux spare wheels hanging off the rear bumper. That oil boom was followed in ghoulish fashion by an oil bust and the explosive arrival of crack cocaine on the streets of Houston. The most successful drug dealers of the era gravitated toward those elaborately styled 1980s Eldorados, the same way that New York City pimps in the early 1970s had been attracted to customized “El Dogs” by the likes of Wisco and Les Dunham more than a decade previously. Those ’83s and ’84s were the ur-slab, and their revered trinity of Cadillac badge, elbows-out wire wheels, and Continental kit went on to define the trend for the next 10 years. “To be a real slab,” D-one clarifies, “it almost has to be a Cadillac.” Most of the early slabs were Eldorados with the Biarritz package, although in most cases the signature stainless-steel roof panel of the Biarritz gave way to a convertible top or a faux-convertible fabric cover. Full-size, C-body Cadillacs were also popular, with particular respect paid to the 1990–92 Brougham model and its flush-mounted, corner-wrapped headlamps. The appeal of the “Brougham nose” was so strong that several shops started adapting them to other GM cars. While this modification is a straight swap onto any B- or C-body full-sizer, to make it work on the narrower E-body Eldorado and Seville requires some true artistry, attenuating the grille in a manner that doesn’t look obvious, with the headlights fitted properly in the available space. Any well-attended slab party in Houston creates a sort of uncanny-valley effect for Cadillac fanciers; you might see five or six cars in a row that all look like 1992 Broughams from dead ahead. As they pass, however, you’ll see that, in reality, they are Eldorado convertibles, Coupe de Villes, or Oldsmobile Ninety-Eights. What’s more prestigious, we ask D-one: a flawless Brougham conversion on a Ninety-Eight, or an original Cadillac? “It’s got to be the real thing for me,” he states. “The rest, you’re just trying to put the Cadillac style on it.” By the early 2000s, there was a complete cottage industry of tiny customization shops to apply the candy-colored paint and Continental kits to the car of your choice. Rarely did a shop offer the whole package to a potential customer or even serve as a general contractor coordinating a build. Instead, the cars were built in fits and starts as their owners came up with the necessary funds to keep things going, rolling from shop to shop on borrowed steel wheels for a little trim here, a little upholstery there, paint somewhere else. You couldn’t call your slab finished until you had a bumpin’ sound system, preferably accessed via a trunk that rose hydraulically on custom linkages to display a plexiglass jewel box of amplifiers and speakers. Ideally, you would have a message under the trunklid. It could be boastful: UR DREAMS – MY REALITY. Or meant to show affiliation: SOUTH BANK STILL STUNTIN. Even thoughtfully reflective: IT DON’T HURT TO FORGIVE. With that done, it would be time to finish the car by finding an appropriate set of wheels. Cragar Stars were far more valuable on the street than were the Eldorados to which they’d originally been fitted. One well-known customizer estimated that there were as few as 50 sets of Eldorado wheels in circulation by the beginning of this century. To have a set of 83s or 84s—by then, they were known by their production year—was to attain a height of social felicity rarely seen outside of rapper or athlete status. It also meant you stood a good chance of being killed for your wheels. In those years, the murder rate in Houston was triple the national average. Who knows how many of those deaths started with a covetous glance at a set of 84s, bolted to a ragtop Eldorado? The supply was limited; the demand was murderous.
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Read More »Over the years, the protrusion of the hubs increased through Super, Extreme, Orangatang, and finally Giraffe poke. Giraffe pokes have a full 24 inches of extension past the wheel rim, adding 4 feet to the already substantial width of a full-size GM sedan. “I’m 50 this year, and I don’t care for the 15-inch and 24-inch poke,” admits Kennedy. “The wheels wrap around each other in traffic, ruin the cars. But the younger generation wants the longest poke, at the highest price. Ten thousand dollars for Giraffe poke.” The cost of the most extreme swangers isn’t the only deterrent. In summer 2021, not a single shop in Houston had a set in stock. “Pay me now, maybe you could get them in October, but probably not,” one salesman admits. As a result, the heat is once again turning up on the people who drive slabs. To “ride one-deep,” or to drive unaccompanied on these wheels, is riskier than BASE jumping with a discount parachute. To make matters worse, the increasing presence of Giraffe pokes on Houston freeways is extremely unpopular with the 9-to-5 crowd, leading to more pressure from the police. Cops are writing tickets and confiscating cars. “And once they have your car,” D-one notes, “you won’t get it back, because down here a lot of cars change hands without any paperwork. The name on your title might be the man who owned the car 20 years ago. Is he gonna get it out of impound for you?”
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